You’re speaking... they’re nodding… and yet somehow, the disconnect lingers. Western culture teaches us that communicating more clearly will fix the problems in our relationships, but what if the missing piece isn’t “more talking” at all? What if learning how to listen differently is what actually changes everything? When we understand how to listen in a deeper, more intentional way, communication problems soften, conflict and repair become easier, and emotional intimacy has room to grow.

In this episode, I’m joined by Dr. Haru Yamada, a sociolinguistics researcher, writer, and author of Kiku: The Japanese Art of Good Listening. Haru holds a PhD from Georgetown University and has spent her life studying language, culture, and communication across borders. Having grown up moving between countries and cultures, her work centers on listening as a relational skill and a form of intelligence that supports both emotional and physical health. She now lives in London with her French partner in a multicultural family where listening is essential.

Together, we explore what the Japanese art of listening teaches us about how to listen in relationships. We talk about why hearing words is not the same as being understood, how tone, silence, pacing, and emotional awareness shape connection, and why so many couples feel unseen even when conversations sound productive on the surface. This conversation offers a reframe for anyone who wants to be a better listener and communicate with more care, clarity, and compassion.

If you’ve ever wondered how to listen in a way that actually helps your partner feel safe and understood, this episode offers listening skills you can start using right away. These are skills that support conflict and repair, strengthen emotional intimacy, and help couples move out of stuck communication patterns and into real connection.

As you listen, I invite you to reflect on these questions: Where might you be listening for information, when what your partner really needs is to be listened to as a person? And how might your relationships change if feeling heard became the goal, not winning the conversation?

Episode Breakdown:

00:00 Why Communication Problems Persist in Relationships

01:02 The Japanese Art of Listening and How It Changes Relationships

02:56 Speaking vs Listening: Who Is Responsible for Understanding?

05:18 How Listening Impacts Relational Health and Healing

08:35 “Kiku” and Listening With 14 Hearts: Hearing Information vs Hearing a Person

16:10 Listening Skills That Build Emotional Intimacy

19:31 Why Conflict Happens When We Don’t Feel Heard

25:17 How Expectations Shape What We Hear

28:50 How to Be a Good Listener in Love and Relationships

35:27 Staying Present: The Hardest and Most Important Listening Skill

40:19 Listening as Care: How Being Heard Supports Healing and Repair

If you’d like support as you practice listening differently and creating more understanding in your relationships, I’d love to help you find the right next step. I’ve created a simple, private way for you to connect with the support that fits you best. You can answer a few quick questions, and we’ll help you schedule a free consultation with the right counselor or coach on my team. It’s a quiet, pressure-free space to talk about what’s really been happening in your relationships and what you want to feel differently moving forward.

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self